They're coming to take me away , hoho

Tonight was great. A nice break from the usual boredom of the four corners of my bedroom. Braxton, and I went to the local Fair and had a blast. I met up with Holly and a couple of other friends, and just cut up the whole time. here are a few pics...

Trying my best

     I have decided that I'm just not going to blog about my relationship status for a while. It's too complicated to update right now. I, myself, am suffering from whiplash. So, until I get my stuff together, just know that I am single and friends with Tim.

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     So, you may ask, what trouble have I been getting into lately? To answer that question, I'll just say ALL SORTS! Another question you may have is probably something to the effect of, why is there a picture of a strip pole next to this entry? Well don't jump to conclusions just yet, hear me out.

     The other night my good friend Holly took me, her guy-friend, and my friend Braxton to Club 1120, a regular (non-gay) club in Birmingham. Well The first thing I did was get out there on that dance floor and show those straight boys what a REAL dancer looks like. I must admit I showed them up, and was later surrounded by some very talented and beautiful black women. Not too much later, the DJ put Beyonce's Single Ladies on.

     For those of you who do not know, I have this dance rehearsed and practiced down to a tee.



     When I say this, I'm not exaggerating a bit. I had EVERY eye on me. The other people on the dance floor stopped dancing.. even the people at the bar turned around to see the guy who danced like Beyonce. When I finished, I got a roar of applause!

     However, it quickly went downhill. I was wearing a muscle shirt, and the bouncers approached me saying that I needed more clothing, forcing me to squeeze back into my hot over-shirt, while I watched the girls run around the room in bikinis. Not only that, but when I went out to dance with Braxton, they started walking towards me as if they were going to separate us. I wanted to avoid a scene, so I quit dancing with him. Finally, I'd been staring the pole in the corner of the room the whole night. I'd watched those girls who thought they knew what they were doing spin around it. So, I decided I wanted a go. Almost when I had a good crowd around me, the bouncers shouted "HEY!" and prodded me off the pole... with a broomstick. How embarrassing.

     While I did have SOME fun at the club, I don't think I'll be returning anytime soon. Oh, and the DJ suuuucked.

So torn

So Tim and I are back together... sort of. I'll explain later. I'm so emotionally drained from crying about it all night. Oh, happy birthday to me by the way. I turned 19 on September 21st.

Slowly getting back...

    I think I'm conquering the ugly green monster. I've been handling things rather well for the past couple of days, and am now ready to get back on top. Thanks to my AMAZING friend Sameer,at A Cast Iron Stomach I have been slowly getting through this. He's also inspired me to start writing again. So, whenever I FINALLY get spare time, I have story in mind. Something sweet, and different. I can't wait!

a rollercoaster

   I can't believe how emotional I've been lately. One minute, I'm having a great time with friends and I feel so free. Then not even seconds later, I'll feel like crying. I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it love? Is it Tim? Maybe. But there are quite a few possibilities.

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     I never told you guys exactly why I left Tim. It was complicated-still is. We were together for a little over five months. the first three months were perfect. However, toward the fourth month, I noticed that the magic was already starting to disappear. When Tim wasn't beside me, I had the overwhelming feeling of being trapped. I felt unhappy, like I was being tied to something that I was already regretting. I decided that I'd give myself time to assess the situation to see if i was just being silly or not (plus, I wanted for the relationship to work SO bad).

     Tim and I spent nearly every spare moment of time together. He became the highlight of my evening, and was something I looked forward to seeing every day. However, when he wasn't there, I started to realize that I was unhappy with myself for allowing this relationship to happen. I realized that I'm much too young to be getting into such a serious relationship. I realized that there may be someone better for me out there. So eventually, I cut off the relationship with Tim.

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      Recently Tim and I have worked out an arrangement. Neither of us had planned on dating for a while (we both have personal issues of our own that need sorting out) so we decided to become... ahem... "special friends" in the mean-time. And for the most part, this has been working out very well... until recently.

     Tim has developed a new crush. We'll call him "Chris", for anonymity.

     I got to Tim's place the other evening, (already knowing about Chris) and Decided I wanted to spend some time with him. Tim then tells me that Chris is coming over, biting his lip. I knew what that meant ( I'm very good at reading Tim). Tim was expecting some alone time with Chris.

     So without even really thinking about it, I assured Tim that it would be fine to just ask me to leave whenever. I've never been jealous, really, so why would I be AFTER the relationship was already ended? Anyways, Chris get's there and we all sit in Tim's room. They light up a couple of cigarettes (which I HATE the smell of cigarette smoke) and just chill for a little bit. Nothing much is being said, since we are listening to Eminem (my absolute LEAST favorite rapper, bar none). Then, after about thirty minutes of silence, Tim turns to me and asks, "Can I see you tomorrow?".

     I pretended not to care, even making up a lame excuse, "Sure, I have to do some laundry anyways...". It was only when I left the front yard that it hit me. I have been replaced. And no matter how hard I fight the feeling, I can't help but to feel it. I am no longer needed.

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     Earlier today I went to see him again, only to hear that Chris was coming over soon. Of course, Tim is equally as good at reading me as I am him, so he knew that asking me to leave the other night really did upset me. But I still saw the question behind his eyes... can I see you tomorrow?

     So I was a little upset by the time that Chris got there. They were setting up to watch football, and I was getting ready to go to work.

     Later, at work, Tim did come by. He just so happened to have dropped by while I was on my fifteen minute break, so when I saw him, I called him over to my truck (where I was spending the break).

     He came over, tissue paper and groceries under arm, and asked me if everything was going okay. I told him that it was. Then he suddenly needed to get back to Chris's vehicle so they could start cooking for the game. 

I am devistated.

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So what's up? Do I still have feelings for Tim? Definately.

Am I actually in love with him, or am I just lonely and jealous? I'm not entirely sure yet.

I'm just hurting.

Slumber partyyy!

     So, as you can probably imagine, I've been feeling pretty down in the dumps (when I'm not overworked). So to remedy that, My friends are taking care of me. I must admit, I'm getting a lot better and not feeling so lonely. I'm beginning to realize that I don't NEED any boy to make me happy. I can't believe how self-deluded I was to think that I did!

Of course the sleep over came with some great pictures... enjoy!

     Holly wanted me to try this on, but I wouldn't... only because it would make my butt look big, of course.

     This was perhaps the most awesome pic of the night. People tell me that it makes me look so much younger, which I take as a compliment, lol.

I'm so lucky to have a best-frand like Holly.

     And finally, what slumber party would be complete with out fingernail polish... i also taught Holly how to PROPERLY apply eyeshadow, such fuuun!

Okay...

... so I'm still SUPERBUSY, but I just thought I'd update you all and let you guys know.. I'M STILL ALIVE!

Another piece of exciting news is that Tim and I have agreed to be friends. I'm so excited about that. But anyways, gotta run. So much to do in so little time, you know!