a rollercoaster

   I can't believe how emotional I've been lately. One minute, I'm having a great time with friends and I feel so free. Then not even seconds later, I'll feel like crying. I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it love? Is it Tim? Maybe. But there are quite a few possibilities.

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     I never told you guys exactly why I left Tim. It was complicated-still is. We were together for a little over five months. the first three months were perfect. However, toward the fourth month, I noticed that the magic was already starting to disappear. When Tim wasn't beside me, I had the overwhelming feeling of being trapped. I felt unhappy, like I was being tied to something that I was already regretting. I decided that I'd give myself time to assess the situation to see if i was just being silly or not (plus, I wanted for the relationship to work SO bad).

     Tim and I spent nearly every spare moment of time together. He became the highlight of my evening, and was something I looked forward to seeing every day. However, when he wasn't there, I started to realize that I was unhappy with myself for allowing this relationship to happen. I realized that I'm much too young to be getting into such a serious relationship. I realized that there may be someone better for me out there. So eventually, I cut off the relationship with Tim.

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      Recently Tim and I have worked out an arrangement. Neither of us had planned on dating for a while (we both have personal issues of our own that need sorting out) so we decided to become... ahem... "special friends" in the mean-time. And for the most part, this has been working out very well... until recently.

     Tim has developed a new crush. We'll call him "Chris", for anonymity.

     I got to Tim's place the other evening, (already knowing about Chris) and Decided I wanted to spend some time with him. Tim then tells me that Chris is coming over, biting his lip. I knew what that meant ( I'm very good at reading Tim). Tim was expecting some alone time with Chris.

     So without even really thinking about it, I assured Tim that it would be fine to just ask me to leave whenever. I've never been jealous, really, so why would I be AFTER the relationship was already ended? Anyways, Chris get's there and we all sit in Tim's room. They light up a couple of cigarettes (which I HATE the smell of cigarette smoke) and just chill for a little bit. Nothing much is being said, since we are listening to Eminem (my absolute LEAST favorite rapper, bar none). Then, after about thirty minutes of silence, Tim turns to me and asks, "Can I see you tomorrow?".

     I pretended not to care, even making up a lame excuse, "Sure, I have to do some laundry anyways...". It was only when I left the front yard that it hit me. I have been replaced. And no matter how hard I fight the feeling, I can't help but to feel it. I am no longer needed.

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     Earlier today I went to see him again, only to hear that Chris was coming over soon. Of course, Tim is equally as good at reading me as I am him, so he knew that asking me to leave the other night really did upset me. But I still saw the question behind his eyes... can I see you tomorrow?

     So I was a little upset by the time that Chris got there. They were setting up to watch football, and I was getting ready to go to work.

     Later, at work, Tim did come by. He just so happened to have dropped by while I was on my fifteen minute break, so when I saw him, I called him over to my truck (where I was spending the break).

     He came over, tissue paper and groceries under arm, and asked me if everything was going okay. I told him that it was. Then he suddenly needed to get back to Chris's vehicle so they could start cooking for the game. 

I am devistated.

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So what's up? Do I still have feelings for Tim? Definately.

Am I actually in love with him, or am I just lonely and jealous? I'm not entirely sure yet.

I'm just hurting.