Christmas at My House

It's been a while since I've last posted, but I'm too busy studying for finals for an official post right now... so I thought you guys might lie to see some pictures of how my Christmas endeavors are going!

Timmy made my stocking....

 

...and I made his!

We've wrapped the presents....

...and wrapped our own wreath.

So now it's Christmas!

No Money, Honey

     So usually, people approach this subject with difficulty. They find these words hard to express, and generally just embarrassing. But here it goes... I'm broke!

     B. R. O. K. E.

     All of my money has gone to either Christmas funds or classes. Sure, sure, I'll have my money back soon. In fact, someone owes me over 100 dollars, and they should have it soon. Still, that doesn't change the fact that I have NO MONEY right now.

    Just yesterday I had to raid the couches for gas money so that I could get to work!

    And it get's worse... I think Tim is getting sick. He's been congested, achy, and just feeling all around gross. Of course, I know several techniques in alternative healing that could help him, but he refuses to let me use them. He either thinks they're weird or he just plain doesn't want to do what I tell him,  But that doesn't do either of us any good.

   Urgh! Why is he so bull headed?

 
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Anyways, I promised to post something about our ornaments, so here goes:
 SPARKLY PINE CONES


So basically, this is what you're gonna need:

• Dry Pine Cones
• Small Squirt Bottle
• Liquid Glue
• Ribbon scissors
• Glitter
• Newspaper (To avoid a mess)

   First, fill half of the squirt bottle with water and pour at LEAST half the container of glue into the water. Shake until the glue and water become a solution. Make sure there is enough glue to make the solution sticky.

   Second, spray the pine cone with the solution. Spray generously, so that when you apply the glitter, it will stay.

   Glitter away.

   LIGHTY spray the cone once more ( to settle the glitter) and leave it to dry. Then, when it gets through drying, wrap a ribbon around the base of the cone (the biggest end) and tie it off, making a loop.

ENJOY!

Falling All Over Again

     So, yesterday morning I woke up in a terrible mood. I didn't want to speak to anyone, I didn't want to see anyone, and I definitely was not in the holiday spirit. As Tim and I had discussed the day before, we  had plans to go holiday shopping. So I dragged myself out of bed, got a shower, and threw on some clothes.

     About three miles down the road, Tim turned to me and asked, "Are you okay? You've been acting weird ever since you got out of the shower this morning."

     Of course I realized how I was acting, making unnecessary sighs and throwing my cell phone down after checking my texts, but I couldn't really pin point why I was being so pissy. So I just told him that I just wasn't happy this morning in the nicest way I could.

     We drove down to the Waffle House for some breakfast. A tall, plain-looking waitress approached us, wearing a beautiful smile and caring eyes.

     "What can I get for y'all this morning?" Her sing-songy voice let me know that she'd asked this question a million times before, but her kindness still felt genuine.Tim and I both placed our orders, and she tottered off behind the desk.

     "What can I do make you feel better? I don't like it when you're upset." Tim spoke softly to me. I just shrugged in response.

     Another worker was mopping beside our table, and saw us sitting there.

     "So, which one of you boy's wants to work off your meal?" She joked, pretending to offer the mop to us.

     Then, Tim went to respond and his hand tipped the top of his glass of iced tea over. Tea spread across the entire booth, until it had successfully landed in my lap. He just sat there with a surprised look on his face for a moment, when suddenly the worker busted out in laughter. Tim joined her laughing, and soon I did too.

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Later that night, Tim was supposed to take me out to see Harry Potter 7 (part1). We rushed to the theater, afraid we'd be too late for the showing, only to find that it was canceled due to screen problems. So instead we went to see Love and Other Drugs, which I expected to be a cheesy romantic comedy.

      It surprised me, though! Not only was there a LOT of nudity in this film, but the underlying story was pretty sweet as well. Gyllenhaal's character starts out as a player-type guy who fall's in love with a girl who has Parkinson's. The movie has more to it than that, but I'd hate to ruin it for you. I'd give it 2 and a half out of 5 stars.

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     After the movie, we came home, wrapped gifts and made a couple of decorations. (I'll include those in a future posts).

     Overall, though, I've come to the conclusion that I'm falling in love all over again.

Tis the Season!

     Hello to the blogging community, from your old friend, Kent! I know it has been a loooong while since I posted anything, but I'm back and ready for some good old blogging action.

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 So let's play some catch-up... 
*Tim and I have been back together for about a month now. Things are not exactly the same, but I'm still much happier than when we were apart.

*I have an ear piercing and a tattoo, thanks to the persuasiveness of my dear friend holly (mentioned in the "Important People" tab.) who I have grown specifically close to throughout my single-hood.

*I had my Halloween party, which was a total failure by the way, and have managed to work myself into the Christmas spirit.

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     So today, Tim and I cut our own Christmas tree... from my very own back yard. Yeah, there are SOME perks to living in the middle of Nowhere, Alabama. Anyways, this year we are creating our OWN decorations for the tree. Right now, I've got some pine cones, construction paper, glitter, and glue, so I'll just be sure to let the decorations come as a surprise to you all.

    While we were out trimming the tree, a Christmas miracle happened. You see, since this is our first Christmas together, we've never had a proper tree topper (or even a tree for that matter, really). But while under the car pool area, I happened to look up to see an old, molded, and broken Christmas angel. The poor girl was so covered in dirt and grime, and her dress was practically falling to pieces. So I brought her inside, stripped all of those old rags off, and gave her a proper rinse. Soon after-wards, Tim was wrapping her in fabric.

   
     The dress was eventually finished, and it was time to add some ribbons and wingdings (and her wings), so that she was finally ready to take flight. And when the moment of truth came, it was magical. She now sits atop the tree, surrounded by beautiful lights, for the world to see. Something about that slight grin she wears tells me she's happy to see another Christmas.

On my way

     There's something so refreshing about acceptance. I've been going through some serious troubles lately, and I've just now been able to accept that things are exactly as they are. I've done all I can, now I just have to leave it alone and let things happen the way they are supposed to. I feel so much better, knowing that even though there is nothing I can do, I will be alright.

     Meanwhile, I'm getting ready for Halloween! I have sooo many plans for my upcoming Halloween party, and I'm so excited to get started. (this is the pumpkin I chose for this year's Jack-o-lantern. It's beautiful!

They're coming to take me away , hoho

Tonight was great. A nice break from the usual boredom of the four corners of my bedroom. Braxton, and I went to the local Fair and had a blast. I met up with Holly and a couple of other friends, and just cut up the whole time. here are a few pics...

Trying my best

     I have decided that I'm just not going to blog about my relationship status for a while. It's too complicated to update right now. I, myself, am suffering from whiplash. So, until I get my stuff together, just know that I am single and friends with Tim.

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     So, you may ask, what trouble have I been getting into lately? To answer that question, I'll just say ALL SORTS! Another question you may have is probably something to the effect of, why is there a picture of a strip pole next to this entry? Well don't jump to conclusions just yet, hear me out.

     The other night my good friend Holly took me, her guy-friend, and my friend Braxton to Club 1120, a regular (non-gay) club in Birmingham. Well The first thing I did was get out there on that dance floor and show those straight boys what a REAL dancer looks like. I must admit I showed them up, and was later surrounded by some very talented and beautiful black women. Not too much later, the DJ put Beyonce's Single Ladies on.

     For those of you who do not know, I have this dance rehearsed and practiced down to a tee.



     When I say this, I'm not exaggerating a bit. I had EVERY eye on me. The other people on the dance floor stopped dancing.. even the people at the bar turned around to see the guy who danced like Beyonce. When I finished, I got a roar of applause!

     However, it quickly went downhill. I was wearing a muscle shirt, and the bouncers approached me saying that I needed more clothing, forcing me to squeeze back into my hot over-shirt, while I watched the girls run around the room in bikinis. Not only that, but when I went out to dance with Braxton, they started walking towards me as if they were going to separate us. I wanted to avoid a scene, so I quit dancing with him. Finally, I'd been staring the pole in the corner of the room the whole night. I'd watched those girls who thought they knew what they were doing spin around it. So, I decided I wanted a go. Almost when I had a good crowd around me, the bouncers shouted "HEY!" and prodded me off the pole... with a broomstick. How embarrassing.

     While I did have SOME fun at the club, I don't think I'll be returning anytime soon. Oh, and the DJ suuuucked.

So torn

So Tim and I are back together... sort of. I'll explain later. I'm so emotionally drained from crying about it all night. Oh, happy birthday to me by the way. I turned 19 on September 21st.

Slowly getting back...

    I think I'm conquering the ugly green monster. I've been handling things rather well for the past couple of days, and am now ready to get back on top. Thanks to my AMAZING friend Sameer,at A Cast Iron Stomach I have been slowly getting through this. He's also inspired me to start writing again. So, whenever I FINALLY get spare time, I have story in mind. Something sweet, and different. I can't wait!

a rollercoaster

   I can't believe how emotional I've been lately. One minute, I'm having a great time with friends and I feel so free. Then not even seconds later, I'll feel like crying. I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it love? Is it Tim? Maybe. But there are quite a few possibilities.

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     I never told you guys exactly why I left Tim. It was complicated-still is. We were together for a little over five months. the first three months were perfect. However, toward the fourth month, I noticed that the magic was already starting to disappear. When Tim wasn't beside me, I had the overwhelming feeling of being trapped. I felt unhappy, like I was being tied to something that I was already regretting. I decided that I'd give myself time to assess the situation to see if i was just being silly or not (plus, I wanted for the relationship to work SO bad).

     Tim and I spent nearly every spare moment of time together. He became the highlight of my evening, and was something I looked forward to seeing every day. However, when he wasn't there, I started to realize that I was unhappy with myself for allowing this relationship to happen. I realized that I'm much too young to be getting into such a serious relationship. I realized that there may be someone better for me out there. So eventually, I cut off the relationship with Tim.

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      Recently Tim and I have worked out an arrangement. Neither of us had planned on dating for a while (we both have personal issues of our own that need sorting out) so we decided to become... ahem... "special friends" in the mean-time. And for the most part, this has been working out very well... until recently.

     Tim has developed a new crush. We'll call him "Chris", for anonymity.

     I got to Tim's place the other evening, (already knowing about Chris) and Decided I wanted to spend some time with him. Tim then tells me that Chris is coming over, biting his lip. I knew what that meant ( I'm very good at reading Tim). Tim was expecting some alone time with Chris.

     So without even really thinking about it, I assured Tim that it would be fine to just ask me to leave whenever. I've never been jealous, really, so why would I be AFTER the relationship was already ended? Anyways, Chris get's there and we all sit in Tim's room. They light up a couple of cigarettes (which I HATE the smell of cigarette smoke) and just chill for a little bit. Nothing much is being said, since we are listening to Eminem (my absolute LEAST favorite rapper, bar none). Then, after about thirty minutes of silence, Tim turns to me and asks, "Can I see you tomorrow?".

     I pretended not to care, even making up a lame excuse, "Sure, I have to do some laundry anyways...". It was only when I left the front yard that it hit me. I have been replaced. And no matter how hard I fight the feeling, I can't help but to feel it. I am no longer needed.

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     Earlier today I went to see him again, only to hear that Chris was coming over soon. Of course, Tim is equally as good at reading me as I am him, so he knew that asking me to leave the other night really did upset me. But I still saw the question behind his eyes... can I see you tomorrow?

     So I was a little upset by the time that Chris got there. They were setting up to watch football, and I was getting ready to go to work.

     Later, at work, Tim did come by. He just so happened to have dropped by while I was on my fifteen minute break, so when I saw him, I called him over to my truck (where I was spending the break).

     He came over, tissue paper and groceries under arm, and asked me if everything was going okay. I told him that it was. Then he suddenly needed to get back to Chris's vehicle so they could start cooking for the game. 

I am devistated.

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So what's up? Do I still have feelings for Tim? Definately.

Am I actually in love with him, or am I just lonely and jealous? I'm not entirely sure yet.

I'm just hurting.

Slumber partyyy!

     So, as you can probably imagine, I've been feeling pretty down in the dumps (when I'm not overworked). So to remedy that, My friends are taking care of me. I must admit, I'm getting a lot better and not feeling so lonely. I'm beginning to realize that I don't NEED any boy to make me happy. I can't believe how self-deluded I was to think that I did!

Of course the sleep over came with some great pictures... enjoy!

     Holly wanted me to try this on, but I wouldn't... only because it would make my butt look big, of course.

     This was perhaps the most awesome pic of the night. People tell me that it makes me look so much younger, which I take as a compliment, lol.

I'm so lucky to have a best-frand like Holly.

     And finally, what slumber party would be complete with out fingernail polish... i also taught Holly how to PROPERLY apply eyeshadow, such fuuun!

Okay...

... so I'm still SUPERBUSY, but I just thought I'd update you all and let you guys know.. I'M STILL ALIVE!

Another piece of exciting news is that Tim and I have agreed to be friends. I'm so excited about that. But anyways, gotta run. So much to do in so little time, you know!

Textbooks and Tarot

      Okay, so last night a couple of my gurlfriends (Holly and Chelsea) came over. Chelsea was supposed to finish her half of the History Powerpoint (which didn't happen). I, however, DID finish my outline for the project *currently patting myself on the back.

     Holly was being so loud and silly, I had to move to the living room to finish, so when she followed me in there I bargained with her. I told her that if she would let me finish, I'd do a tarot reading for them. Of course, THAT immediately shut her up, haha.

     When we were eventually finished, I did go out and bless my usual tarot reading area, and lit it with candles. I wanted something for the blogger, and intended to put up a video (which I'm still gonna do) but you really can't see much of anything. Here, Holly was shuffling the cards and Chelsea was sitting off in the background just watching. (I did a reading for her too, and despite her being an unbeliever, she said that the reading was quite accurate.)

     Afterwards, Chelsea went home and Holly stayed the night. Now, not to say this in a perverted gross way, but it was nice to share a bed with someone again. It's been weird for me ever since Tim has left. I feel so alone. But I was glad to have Holly there so that I wouldn't feel so lonely. Best friends are great.

College

So I've been SUPER BUSY. In the first week of college, I've somehow managed to get an essay, two school projects AND Winn Dixie crammed into my week. THAT is the reason I haven't been blogging. Here's what I've been up to.

   Prodject 1: History Powerpoint.

Still not finished with this one. I've spent all evening with my friend Chelsea and her baby. We tried to do our best to study, and she got quite a bit accomplished. However, she decided to leave early so that she could take Sara Claire home.




Project 2: Public Speaking Collage

     Okay,so this one I had a little fun on. Everything you see here was designed by yours truly. I just KNOW when I walk into the classroom WEARING my prodject, I'll turn some heads, haha.




 and the essay is finished... now i get to rest... until tomorrow...

Tattoos and What-not

     So one of my good friends (Yama from Yama's Blog ) Has written a post of his recent fascination of tattoos. I must, confess, I've recently had this fascination too. So when he asked his followers to write a post about them, I absolutely HAD to drag out the designs that I drew up.

     I also thought this would be an excellent way for you guys to learn about who I am, through my artwork. So here goes nothing!

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The Flower

     This tattoo was inspired by my love of the elves from J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. Nerdy, I know, but if you pay reeeeal close attention to the scenes with Lady Galadriel (played by Kate Blanchette) you'll notice that the brooch on her chest looks slightly similar to this. I took the idea of a circular flower and added my personal spin to it. (the actual brooch is below)

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Celtic Knot

     The Celtic Knot is a traditional. This knot in particular is know as the Triquetra (which apparently, doesn't exist, according to firefox spellcheck). People have come up with MANY interpretations of this symbol, but I see it as the mind, body, and soul (the three points) are unified together (the circle) in a beautiful way. The runes are there, mostly for decoration, but also as a reminder of the Celts.

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Nature's Cross

     When I first conceptualized this, I was in the process of questioning my religion (which recently, I've decided to go down the path of spirituality). I remember being VERY in tune with nature, and feeling that, somehow, it was supposed to be incorporated into Christianity. Therefore, the vines and leaves weave in and out of the traditional cross.

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The Green Man

     This is perhaps my favorite and most recent of the designs. It is a representation of the Green Man, a mythological guardian of the forest. At this point (and this IS recent) I am trying to re-unify with nature. I feel there is a slight barrier that wasn't there before. Perhaps it's impurity, or just the fact that I've lost the naiveness that I once had, but I feel the need to return to my grassroots... if the Green Man will allow it. 

Family

     Let me just say that I'm back, hopefully for good. I had to take a while to recollect all of my thoughts and to let go of a lot of guilt, but I feel much better now. So a few things; Even though I'm gonna redraw my header (it's too reminiscent) I'm gonna keep the title of the page the same. Even IF I didn't like it, Tim will always have changed my life. He taught me so much, and I'm so happy to have had the chance to have known him. He is one great guy. So the name stays the same, as he is and will forever be part of a legacy.

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*if you haven't before, go to the "Important people" tab under the header. Otherwise, you may not understand any of this.

     Today, I realized that I have not spent barely ANY time with friends or family, (especially family), so when mom gave me the invitation to come to dinner, I automatically accepted. Shortly before leaving, Lillie came over to clean Nona's house (also my house). She does this as a small job to earn extra cash.

      Anyways, I was able to catch some footage of Laina playing with Poochie. (This is rare footage because, usually, she is too scared to fool with him.)

     

    Later, I finally went over and enjoyed a nice, home cooked meal with my family. Mmm, Chicken Fajitas a la Mom. I had a great time (especially since I was reunited with my old piano)

Hey

Just wanted to let you guys know that Tim and i are no longer together. I really don't want to delve into detail, but I think it was best for us both, even though I'm not sure he can see that right now.

This is Halloween

     So today, Tim and I had to run a few errands, and I must say i'm a little sad. He's moving out of the house (my house) and rooming with one of his work buddies. He feels that he is intruding upon mine and m grandmother's space and that he has overstayed his welcome. So, in a last stitch effort to spare us any more trouble (which I must say that neither of us have really felt) he got some furniture and has successfully moved in. Tonight is his last night here.

     Don't worry, though. I'll still see him as often as I can, it'll just be a bit different. Now that I've spent almost every hour with him, I don't know WHAT I'll do with myself once he's gone.

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     Anyways, I must explain why the title is the way it is... well you all know of how I've recently been on a fall kick? Today, while out on errands, I ran into some Halloween decorations, and you best bet i gave that store a run for its money. Halloween is my ULTIMATE favorite holiday. So you probably can imagine how thrilled I was to see all of the displays. Here is a photo of some of the wares.

     The green arrows lead to a certain pet costume that I bought. I was so surprised at how much fun it is to dress an animal up, especially if the animal cooperates!

     In fact, I think Poochie rather enjoyed the whole thing... take a loot at these shots from our photo-shoot (I swear he poses for the camera)

Isn't he adorable? (I love the last pic with his paw on his hat... doesn't it remind you of something?...

Update:

    Okay, I know what you guys are thinking... and I know that it is not quite Autumn yet... but I happened to feel a slight breeze outside today that reminded me so much of it... and well.. I've decided that it IS fall in my world.

     Notice the new header, background, and playlist. (Yes, I know it's full of classical music, but something about Danny Elfman + Tim Burton sends the cool shivers of Autumn up my spine.) Anyways, hope you guys enjoy it. If you don't feel free to tell me so... but I'm not sure that I'll change it, ha ha.

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    Anyways, today was the day that Tim and I went up to Jefferson State in Hoover to settle the Financial aid business... and guess what we accomplished.... NOTHING. They told me that they had to "make corrections to my file" which means that they "screwed up"... okay, so no quotation marks are needed there and I totally just used them for emphasis, sue me.

     After hour two-hour wait in the crowded lobby (and I'm talking wall-to-wall) and our 15 second talk with advisor, we headed down to the books-a-million. Here's Tim with his fancy Queen of Hearts costume and his snoring pig. He may be a little... unique at times, but he's certainly never boring. He was such a good boyfriend today, and helped me through all the traffic. he even accompanied me into the advisor's office to help me remember all the questions that I had.

     In other news, Poochie is growing up. He's still the crazy kitty that he's always been, but now he's a rambunctious teen. That means that he's slowly started sleeping in his own room (the living room) and has started doing more grown up things. He still kisses Tim and me and still likes to play a few of the games that he liked to play in his younger days (you know, a couple of months ago). Even though I miss his kitty-hood.... as a parent, I'm so proud of him for turning out so well :')

Here he is, taking one of his big boy Catnaps (in the living room):

   

     I really don't look forward to having him neutered, even though, I must admit, that I don't want grandkids. I don't think he's ready for that kind of responsibility, and I'd end up taking more care of them than he would anyways, so certain actions must be taken. ;)

A Big Financial Mess...

    That's all college is proving to be for me, right now. I applied for financial aid AGES ago, and the college told me that I'd receive notification of approval via mail. Well, classes start in five days and I've yet to hear a word from them. Upon paying a visit to the local branch's campus I've discovered that particular branch is closed for the summer. So now I have to drive several miles to Birmingham to fill out all of my information. There are SOOO many good reasons for me to be stressed out right now.

1) I'm a terrible driver. Me + Road Signs = Disaster. I can barely navigate the Interstate, much less a bustling city like Birmingham. You see, I've ALWAYS stayed around my two-lane small town, so I've never had to brave the world of complex driving. I'm taking my dad's TomTom and all of my hopes to survive this with me.

2) I don't know how much aid I have available. Not knowing how much money you have can be stressful, and especially so when you owe it to someone else. I'm hoping I'll have enough to at least pay my tuition and some of my books. I've got everything else covered.

3) I had to reschedule work so that I can make this trip. I hope they understand and don't make things too difficult for me.

     I'm a Virgo- a natural worrier- and if things don't go exactly as they are supposed to I'll worry about it until things are set right again. This, along with certain other Virgoan traits, tend to make my life miserable... especially in times like these, and even though I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, I'll worry until I can settle things.

     The MOST I can do is distract myself. So, seeing as how it's the only way to refrain from pulling my beautiful blonde locks out, I've bought a new book (City of Bones) and have started back gaming. Is it sad that these are my last-resort stress relievers?

  

My Bucket List

     I was checking up on one of the blogs that I follow ( Veritable Ally ) and I noticed a small tab in the header labeled "Bucket List". Upon clicking it, I saw a few of her life's ambitions. Then, I suddenly realized, I've never created my own, official bucket list.

     Just in case someone out there is unaware of what a bucket list is, it is a list of things you want to do before you.... "kick the bucket". Sure, death can be a morbid subject if you make it, but there is a feeling of hope that comes from writing these lists. They let you know what you find important in your life, and help you focus to achieve those goals. So here goes my bucket list!

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Visit the Pyramids of Giza and other Various Egyptian Sites 

     In previous posts i do believe that I've mentioned a thing or two about my love of all things Egyptian. In  fact, one time I corrected a tour guide on how to pronounce the name of the Egyptian mythological beast, the Uajet (wad-jet). Needless to say, I shamed him in front of a bunch of museum-goers.

     The thing is, I only have a theoretical knowledge of these places. I've never been able to actually see them, and the Great Pyramids are a must, right before the Temple of Ramses II.

Live a Year of Bohemia in Italy

     I know that most people's perfect idea of a vacation to Italy is not one of unconventional living. However, there is a certain artistry to the bohemian lifestyle. People who follow this idea realize that art, love, and peace are some of the main drives in live. They don't care much for material things, wealth, or even organization. This is such a romantic concept and is VERY appealing to me. I'd give up my car, computer, and almost anything else to live such a free life, and what place better to do it than old towns of Italy?
  

Build My Underground Home... Hobbit Style

That's right! I'm going to live in a giant hole in the ground. I've already made up my mind... and the schematics. so this WILL happen one day. Tim already knows about it, and he's willing to accept the life of a mole, ha ha. No really, the house will looke somewhat similar to this on the outside:

And this on the inside:

Have a Romantic Dinner in Paris

      Let's face it the two most romantic things in the world are kisses in the rain and the night lights of Paris.

    Of course, most people dream of falling in love here. I, on the other hand, have already fallen. However, it's always been a dream of mine to walk those streets at night with my significant other.

    Perhaps well even pretend it was our first encounter ha ha.

Publish a Book

     This is perhaps the most simple of all the listed items, but it is a dream of mine. I want to be a published author, (and not have to pay to do it, ha ha). I want to write something ground breaking. In fact, that's a major drive of mine. So, hopefully, one day, I'll finish writing my novel and it will be accepted with open arms.

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     The list goes on and on, and I've yet to put it into words yet, but these are the absolute basics. Perhaps I'll write some more of my dreams on another post when the muse hits me. Till then, peace!

My big gay year!!

     Okay, so I know how I said earlier how much I HATE it when flamers boast their homosexuality, but I have a perfectly good reason for it! Today marks the day that I told my parents that I was gay. It's actually kind of strange to see how much has changed (and there is no doubt that when the news was out to everyone, things DID change). It has truly been an eye-opening experience and I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

     So, given your lack of knowledge and your deadlocked attention span, I'm sure you've got several questions. Why did I tell them? How did it happen? What was the initial outcome? Well, lucky for you, I'm in the very mood to tell the story.

     Months before, i had tried to date this girl named Brittany. From the very moment I met her, I felt a type of comradeship between us, and I was already giving up on finding a girlfriend. At that time, everything was very simple... but only because I fooled myself into thinking it was. I'd lied to myself saying that I was not gay and that I was just attracted guys because it was "against the rules" I just hadn't found the right girl yet.  My father was (and still is) a preacher, and my mom was/is the typical preacher's wife, so even the mere thought of being gay was ridiculous.

     Brittany was the most amazing girl. So intriguing and beautiful. It seemed like a miracle. My long prayers had been answered and I had found the perfect girl.... except for one thing... I was not at all interested in her, physically. No matter how hard I would try, I just could never see myself becoming intimate with her. Needless to say, we ended up being great friends and she was the first person I told.

     I was so surprised by how accepting she was, after all, I'd always been taught how evil and disgusting homosexuals were... I'd never even considered I'd be one... much less be liked in spite of it. But there it was. You know, I'd had several best friends before her, great friends too. But something about not having that secret between us felt new and wonderful. This was the first friends that I could be open with. The first friend that I could truly discover myself with.

     Then I realized how many lies I'd had to tell myself and other people to cover up the truth... I hated it. So, one night after spending hours wrestling with conscience and logic I made a decision. I wrote a letter to my parents explaining everything that I'd recently discovered about myself. They would not be able to interrupt me or get upset if they were reading the letter, so I gave it to my mom before I left for school that day.

     While at school, I remember my stomach churned. I remember feeling like this was the last time I may feel peace between my parents and me. So, when I came home, both parents set me aside and had a long drawn out discussion about how they didn't understand this. They thought I was making a decision. (I'm not sure if they still believe that or not.)

     Eventually, through mutual decision, I moved out of my parent's house and started dating. After several adventures I met Tim and I've been happy ever since.

     Now, there are SEVERAL things I left out, but the basics remain the same. I could account for the tears and restless nights it brought. Sure, there were some tough times, but it was all worth it and now I'm living a dream that I would've never even imagined living before.

Hedonism

1 : the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the sole or chief good in life
2 : a way of life based on or suggesting the principles of hedonism

     For the past few days I've tried living the Hedonistic lifestyle. Not to say that I haven't been happy lately, but I feel like my life has fallen into a repetitive cycle; Work, eat, and sleep. Well I've decided that I don't want that, so I've been treating myself to the best in life. That includes staying up as late as I want, sleeping in as much as I want, eating a whole batch of cookies at 1:00 in the morning, and taking long candlelit baths to the sound of Stevie Nicks floating above the smoke of incense. Yes it has been nice. (And as you can see, Poochie has joined in... but then again how hard is his life anyways?)

     But there is always a price to pay. I fear I have spoiled myself and thrown my schedule off. Not to mention the weight that I gained from eating all of those cookies so late (which will eventually wear off, I know).

     I think I've learned that there needs to be an equal balance of stress and happiness in everyone's life. Too much of a good thing ISN'T a good thing, thank you very much Mr. Allen Jackson (country music reference).

      Oh, how I look forward to college. It'll keep my brain active, which has lately been a problem for me resulting in utter boredom. Also I believe it will give me some time to myself. Yeah, what you're thinking is right, I miss my alone time.

     Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE Tim in every aspect and I love to spend time with him, but I do need a little space. After all, we've been seeing each other non-stop ever since we started getting serious. I don't have the heart to tell him this though. I'm positive it would crush him and he'd think that I was getting tired of him (which isn't true at all), so I'm waiting on the perfect excuse to come along.

     I know how this is gonna work, too. After having time to myself I'll start missing him and want to be near him all over again, so it's nothing serious (I'm just fickle, is all).

Any museum can invite you to look. A great one changes the way you see.

     I really need to start looking at the "Blogs of Note" more often. I remember why I stopped a while back and it was because they people who chose the blogs were choosing what seemed like the same old blogs over and over again. However, after removing the virtual cyber cobwebs that covered the tab, I went on an incredible adventure through the site.Specifically, one blog has re-inspired me to continue my art. Here is the site (if you haven't visited already)

http://horriblesweet.blogspot.com/

     Yes, you guys heard me right. I'm an artist. I haven't done anything in... well... almost six months. Have you ever heard the saying that "the successful artist suffers for his work"? Well in my case that is quite literally true. I do my absolute best when I'm depressed and/or sleep deprived. I don't know why that is, and couldn't even give a hint of a clue if you asked me, but it's true. Since I've met Tim, I really haven't been under any type of stress, so while I'm happy my art fails. This, naturally, causes me to have mixed feelings. I want to express myself, but i just don't feel the inspiration. Luckily I DO have other muses, here's a list:

1) Autumn- All of the colors and smells usually tend to spark my poetic side, but every now and then, It will cause a painting or even a drawing. Usually the need for expression hits around October-ish.

2) Musical Score- You know the soundtracks from the movies that they sell in Walmart? Yes, I'm that one guy that they sell those to. No, not soundtracks with different bands... I'm talking full-on orchestral music pieces. Now when I hear these, it generally makes me want to write more of my unfinished novel, BUT now and again it will spark an idea for a drawing. There is no telling when this will happen and it cannot be forced.

3) Artwork- Yes, seeing good, original artwork tends to bring back my desire to draw and paint.

     Now I know you guys haven't ever seen me post any of my artwork, so let me just show you what I was doing about six months ago. Here's a link to my online gallery:

http://www.elfwood.com/~seasm/Fairy-of-the-Encyclopedia.3531368.html (another bunch of old cobwebs).

     Just click through to see all of the stuff.. and the gallery has it's own theme... fantasy art. Drawing fantasy art is my preferred medium, but I also ADORE painting abstract pieces (sorry no sources).

Tell me what you think!

Root Canal!

     So guess what today's festivities included? Tim had a root canal done. Now, understand that Tim's softest spot for pain is his teeth, so when his tooth finally split in half he reacted accordingly. Nevertheless, I'm glad that we were able to have the appointment over and done with. He was in so much pain, and now even I am relieved.

     Of course I had my fun with him while the Novocaine, Ambesol, and laughing gas was still in effect. He was acting so silly. At one point he asked me if he were drooling, because he couldn't tell whether he was or wasn't. Here's a clip just to show you how he was... trying to whistle... HA! (I promise, you'll play it more than once)


 

       After the dentist, we hit the movies and Walmart. I plan to make him a luck amulet (since his luck hasn't been so great lately). Then, we ended the day by paying a night time visit to my high school's football field. A cool autumn breeze filled the stadium while we sat underneath the summer constellations. It was nice. You see, I was the band nerd in high school, so I sat where I had never sat before... the reserved section. I imagined what it would've been like if Tim and I had met in high school, and even envied the thought. But I'm glad we went there. The nostalgia was almost overwhelming (in a good way).

I know I've been absent....

     But I have a perfectly good explanation! Lately, someone has released some startling (false) information to my parents saying that I posted, in this very blog, that they didn't love me anymore and that the only person who has ever loved me was Tim. It's caused me a great deal of grief over the past couple of days, seeing as how I've had to sort all of this mess out.

     I don't know who it was, or why they'd make something like this up, but it has happened. The biggest problem is that a ton of people that I know read my blog (that aren't necessarily followers) and i live in a small community. Go figure.

     Anyways, just to make things clear... I love my family very much, and they love me back just as much, if not even more. I'm not depressed about anything. I'm not turning "weird". I'm happy with my life right now.

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     As for the Lady Gaga theme, I have to say I'm ending it a bit early. I think I've overdone it... listening to her in the car everywhere we go, quoting her in the middle of the supermarket, breaking out in random song walking down the street in public... Yes, I'm quite devoted.

     BUT, I went to turn the MP3 on the other day and Gaga came up. Tim exclaimed, "Oh lord, not this again!" Now, he was obviously joking.... but behind every joke is a hint of truth. So I've decided to cool down my inner Gaga for a while....

My biggest concern

     Tim broke his tooth today, and we have absolutely NO proper medication locally. We have to wait until tomorrow morning to schedule an appointment, so I went straight up to work and told them they'd have to find a replacement. Tim comes first before work or anything else.

     In other news, I've FINALLY gotten all of my college information in and received my schedule! I'm so excited, I could almost burst... except for the fact that Tim's hurt. I know it's not my fault, but I feel so helpless. I suppose there's nothing more I can do.

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     Any-who, onto the Gaga-ness. Today, before Tim's tooth broke, we were eating at Pizza hut and I overheard the girls in the next booth talking about us. They weren't rude or anything, they were actually quite giggly. That started off a conversation...

"I wonder why girls think gay guys are so hot." I wondered aloud.

"I think it's because of the challenge." Tim replied. "Some girls think that they can change us."


     I thought that was a very interesting concept, partially because I understand it. Tim told me that he prefers "straight-acting" guys as to the feminine types, and I'd have to say I agree. I've never understood why, but I've ALWAYS crushed on the straight boys, almost to the point of infatuation (that is before Tim came along). It makes total sense that I would like them, because of the challenge. I knew good and well that these boy liked girls, yet I still pursued them.


     Well, being in Gaga-mode, I also thought of her newest video... "Alejandro": (sorry about the size, I can't make it fit...)

    


     Now this video definitely shocked me when I saw it... But Gaga's original intention, when writing the song, was to describe the wonderful relationship between her and her gay friends that she so longed for in a romantic relationship.  She explained it is about the "purity of my friendships with my gay friends, and how I've been unable to find that with a straight man in my life. It's a celebration and an admiration of gay love - it confesses my envy of the courage and bravery they require to be together. In the video I'm pining for the love of my gay friends - but they just don't want me."

     Although, I can see that, the video covers MUCH more ground than explained, the topics ranging anywhere from "Don't ask. Don't tell." to sex addiction. It's all about how much you know. Nevertheless, I love her. She is a great artist who's vision is inspiring.

In honor of the Mama Monster

    Tonight I was listening to some music by Gaga, and you know what... I finally had an "Aha" moment! Before reading any further into the post, stop the Playlist at the side bar and watch this clip...

     This song is Dance in the Dark. The message was cleverly hidden behind the bass and synth that, originally, was the reason I listened to it. So, what exactly is this song about? Well actually, it's strange how I should know at this moment. The song is about a girl who prefers to have sex with the lights off, because she's ashamed of her body image. She is only able to release her inhibitions in the dark.

     Gaga said herself that the song is meant to tell people that it is entirely normal to feel this way. She says that even she feels insecure about her image sometimes.

So... Gaga. I have to say, that I was touched by this song when I heard it driving home tonight. In a weird way I felt reassured about my own self-image, which I've been struggling with lately. So I've decided that I want to do a week's worth of posts devoted to Gaga. So be prepared... it's coming

I'm EXTREMELY Disapointed...

Okay, just as a forewarning, this is a rant-post. So... let's get this started, shall we?

     So what, exactly, am I disappointed at now? The Gay community, that's what. I can't help it, and after you read through the entire post, you'll understand why.

     It all began last night when I was blog surfing to try to find some more people to follow. I actually had an aim. I wanted to meet other every-day gay guys so that I could mingle. Don't get me wrong girls, you all are FANTASTIC company... but I need some testosterone. I have very few guy friends, and I've made it a goal to find some... specifically gay guy friends. I want to have someone from my own background that I can share my everyday experiences with (and Tim doesn't count.)

     So, having absolutely NO luck with the "next blog" button, I went to Google and typed in: gay personal blogs. And here are the people I found...

1) Mr. Sex Appeal
2) The Raging Inferno
3) The Marketeer

     I have a little something to say to each and every one of you guys...
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 Mr. Sex Appeal

     You get blasted, simply because your were at the top of the search results, mister. I am extremely disappointed in the way that you make blogs simply to show gay adult material. This doesn't add ANY good to the already preconceived notion that gays are just sexually promiscuous horn-dogs. You are one of the causes for a very noted, very nasty stereotype.
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The Raging Inferno

     Yes Inferno, sir, you have even been blacklisted. I understand that you are proud of who you are. I get that. But must you flaunt it? Must you harp the SAME message to everyone you meet? I'm so tired of hearing the "loud and proud". Can we not just have mild-voiced and content? Perhaps your blogs are encouraging to some, but you do absolutely nothing for me, or the stereotype that all gays are overly-expressive and obnoxious with their... out-ness... if that's even a word...

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The Marketeer

      I suppose I get why you exist. You are here to make money.. and that makes me dislike you automatically. You clutter the blog-world with sites that are dedicated to certain demographics and most of the time you do it in the most boring ways possible. Furthermore, I am offended that you think that ALL gay people are interested in the same products. Not all of us wear v-necks and work in salons (no offense to those who do). Some of us would rather shop for camping materials and everyday household appliances. To suggest hat a product is gay is offensive to me. Plus, I'm tired of accidentally running into blog/infomercials.

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     I suppose my biggest letdown was that, I searched and searched for normal, every-day gay bloggers but found not one. I just wish I could meet someone that hasn't let being gay become the biggest factor in their life, you know what I mean? It's rather aggravating.